there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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