hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
