I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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