you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
