I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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