umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
