FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Randomize
