First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
