My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's just like the Real World with babies
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
