Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
