I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
