there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
