I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
