Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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