i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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