i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
