u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I was not drunk enough for that final.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
