Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
