Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
