I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
