How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
