Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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