I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
