Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
