I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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