I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
