i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
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