you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
