My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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