When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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