where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
