I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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