He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
