i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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