woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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