Plan B is the new Plan A
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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