She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
