I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
