what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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