Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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