apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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