Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
