I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
