I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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