I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
