I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
