he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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