I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
