Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
