***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
