Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
