I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
