He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
