I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She's the barista slut.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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