She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
