is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
